through the fire and back again
an old poetry portfolio
My Black Body and Me
I was waiting to be picked up from school,
fresh from learning cursive for the first time.
My mom was late, again, so I lingered, talking with friends.
One leaned in and whispered,
"My meemaw doesn’t like people like you, but I do."
He smiled, wide and easy,
as if kindness could smooth over the weight of his words.
Then he skipped to his meemaw’s car,
where she watched me, not him, so intently
she clipped the curb pulling away.
That was the moment I knew.
Before I am anything, I am something to be hated.
That night, I cried myself to sleep,
asking God what I had done wrong.
In the morning, I scrubbed my skin,
trying to wash off Cain’s sin.
My heart breaks for her,
the little girl who tried so hard to change the unchangeable.
I made my mom promise never to be late again.
Even now, I wish she had been on time.
I could’ve had a few more years
before knowing my Black body and me.
A Good Friend?
I wish you knew my parents blame me
For what you did to their little kid.
I watch, bewildered, as some take your side,
Not many, but still, nothing’s ever new.
Now I’ll never escape the dark,
Forever haunted by the night.
Please explain to the one I marry
Why I always look over my shoulder.
You ruined something good,
And I can’t unsee it.
Don’t you dare call me dramatic.
You tripped me up,
Turned my luck to dust,
Years of progress down the drain.
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t eat, could you?
Beautiful boy, archangel,
Your cherub wings so fragile.
I could pluck you from the sky,
But I’m too busy being kind.
Grace is all I had left.
So don’t take me for granted.
My patience is not infinite.
Try it again,
Go on, try it again.
I could uproot your perfect life,
Whisper the truth to your father’s good wife.
I could stain your name,
Write your story on a dull, unmarked grave,
A life of depravity, erased.
They tell women to be silent,
But you made me violent.
Cure
A cure! I wish for a cure
with every inch of my wretched body.
I wish I could forget.
Even after what you did,
I took care of you.
I cared when I shouldn’t.
Why am I this way?
A lamb throwing itself onto the pyre,
a perpetual sacrifice.
Was I too kind for my own good?
I wanted to stay soft,
but you forced my hand.
It would be foolish to try now.
Now I understand
why people harden their hearts.
I don’t know how to reconcile.
I don’t think I ever will.
You made me a statistic
I prayed I’d escape.
You, I Pray to Forget
I carry a burden
beneath my ribs but over my lungs.
She stays close to me.
The flag hangs at half-mast,
yet today, the sky is clear.
But one day,
with force, she will break my fifth rib,
puncture my left lung,
and somehow, audaciously,
whisper that it was my fault.
A Prayer To…
Have mercy on this little girl.
She was beautiful once.
The world butchered her good heart
kindness once wrapped around her like air,
now buried beneath cathedrals of hurt.
We were breath.
Have mercy, I pray.
Grace is the only thing she has left.
Ashes to Ashes V13
I know now,
with wildfire in my living chest,
that we are only breath
consuming, being consumed,
searing every morsel of ourselves
in the cost of searching for home.
When the blazes fade
and ashes settle,
I will remember
every touch that ever brushed my soul.
Holding Hands in Havoc
Let us lace hands,
five-pointed like stars,
and step forward with resolve,
one will guiding us.
Gutted worlds
have ripped the sea from the land.
We, unforgiving creatures,
will tear their form.
After wasted time,
after wandering galaxies,
in one silent moment,
we will terraform,
making room for life
to begin again.
One Man Cult
TO LOVE YOU
I dream wicked dreams of being seen,
of shedding the weight of being overlooked.
The burden has chipped away at my heart,
leaving behind a well of bitterness.
Yet, even through the hurt, I love deeply,
too deeply.
It taints every interaction, a constant ache.
I long to break free from this cycle,
but love is the only constant I have left.
Perhaps loving you is a mistake,
a foolish hope clinging to the embers of what could be.
TO LOVE YOU
The thought of you hums a melody in my veins,
a constant thrumming that fills my ears,
blurs my thoughts.
A cosmic song, a siren’s call,
pulling me in even as I strain to ignore
its discordant notes.
The sound vibrates through my body,
a physical reminder of the storm raging within.
Every thought carries your imprint,
a bittersweet reminder of the risk I take
by feeling this deeply.
TO LOVE YOU
They say the universe whispers secrets
on unseen strings,
stories woven into the fabric of existence.
Somehow, I am tuned to the frequency
that speaks of you.
It is a story I cannot help but eavesdrop on,
a melody that tilts my gaze skyward.
And in that moment, our eyes meet
a chance encounter that feels like fate unfolding.
The pull is undeniable.
I cannot resist looking back at you.
TO LOVE YOU
An unrelenting force,
almost fatal,
draws me back to you.
Like the tide, I surrender,
my heart echoing your rhythm,
a moonlit ocean.
Tonight, the sky shimmers with laurel constellations.
Are we like them?
Let us lace our fingers,
hands reaching like starlight.
With one will guiding us,
we will navigate the unknown.
TO LOVE YOU
You, my peacekeeper,
have quieted a war before it began.
Surrender echoes in my soul
no more battles, no walls.
Let me disarm in your embrace,
my sullied hands yearning for yours.
Swing me across a quiet floor,
a dance only you can lead.
Command, and I will follow,
for the fear of losing you…
TO LOVE YOU
In silent halls,
I kneel before your absence.
Tears fall like prayers in an empty chapel,
dim light casting long shadows on the pews.
I ache for a glimpse of your grace,
to prostrate myself on the worn carpet
of your heart.
You,
a vision I once glimpsed,
a god forever out of reach.
Yet my devotion burns,
a fire I dedicate to your unknowable purpose.
TO LOVE YOU
My love claws at the air,
desperate to find the gentle soul
I believe resides within you.
I know you, not as a deity,
but as the essence beneath my skin,
a truth etched into my being.
Grow with me.
Intertwine your roots with mine.
I would walk any path beside you,
even bear the weight of your burdens.
And in my surrender,
a strength stirs within
a resilience ignited by your unspoken words.
TO LOVE YOU
You are my truth,
the guiding light that shapes me.
Mold me into your vision,
for any touch from you is a blessing I crave.
Open your eyes to me,
and let me finally see you
not as a distant god,
but as the one who set this fire
burning within my soul.